Despair
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Sometimes a man gets into these moods where he feels low…very low. It’s hard to tell if it’ll be the lowest he’ll ever feel but up to that point, it is the lowest he’s felt. He feels like he’s not good enough, smart enough, not loved, and has done everything wrong. He feels like all his efforts have been in vain and that he is being punished. Punished for things he did, things everyone else did around him. He’s not sure. All he knows is that he’s being punished and he doesn’t know how to get out of it. His thoughts are ruminating and round and round they go no matter what. He is loved but being loved isn’t enough sometimes because he’s in his own head right now and he can’t get out of that mental prison. We all, in those moments, become a shadow of our former selves and wish we felt whole. Right now, he feels lonely, isolated, depressed, sad, and undesired. He cannot shake it and he doesn’t know what to do.
Men in general, I feel, have a hard time with mental health. I’m sure there are stats out there but I’m too lazy to look it up so if you have time (whoever you are) please share. We’re not raised to talk about our feelings. We’re raised to be tough and mighty. We’re raised to suppress our feelings but raise our voices. We’re raised to show our physical strength instead of resistance. That’s how society has raised us and then they wonder why we can’t handle our emotions later …
Managing my emotions is my responsibility but you know, without a IKEA How-To Guide, I’m a little lost. I’m on this journey and sometimes it’s great and sometimes it’s awful. Sometimes I’m over the moon and other times and I’m somewhere over there by Pluto. You know, that former planet? Seriously, has anyone asked Pluto how it feels about that? So insensitive. I have a hard time in general managing my emotions and when I feel great loss it all comes out. One thing I have learned to do in the past couple of months is cry. Yes, cry. I cry my eyes out till that emotional pain is all out there. Instead of yelling, screaming, being angry, I now cry. I wish I had figured this out much earlier because I think this would’ve boded me much better in life, especially with my relationships. I have made many mistakes within relationships because I couldn’t manage my anger. I either said something that just didn’t go well or I got so angry that I would be in my own head. I spent years on this hamster wheel and I think I’m finally starting to step off, after years…
At this very moment, sorry for the jumping around but remember, ruminating thoughts here, I feel despair. I feel like everything is my fault and I can’t fix it. The harder I try the more it crumbles. I’m a shell of a person and I’m not sure what to do. So if you’re reading this, please give me a clap, comment, or something, I’m looking for anything. These past few months have been excruciating and I’m trying… I’ve made many mistakes and I’ll accept my punishment/karma because I do believe in balance within the universe (Damn! Pluto must’ve really f***ed up) but sometimes it’s just so hard…
Two of my friends died in the past couple of years. I’m not sure if this is true or not and I’m not trying to be disrespectful, but I just have a feeling that they may have ended it… I’m sorry, I do not mean to offend anyone. It’s just a feeling I can’t shake… Since they were Muslim we did not know the cause of death since they are immediately buried as part of our custom. That honestly shook me to my core and I think about them sometimes. I wonder “Did you do it and if so, what did you feel before it happened? How much pain were you in?” I’m sorry. I miss you both and I hope you both are resting easy.
From a fellow individual who’s here on this Earth for a short while, a simple “Hey man, we got you” will suffice. I am just looking for a little love …
Thank you …
